Rude Bitches Make Me Tired

Like my accent if you talk to me long enough, my reading tastes are over all the place. One minute I’m sounding like someone straight of an BBC costume drama and clutching my E.M. Delafield Provincial Lady omnibus to my sensible cardigan clad bosom and the next I’m sprawled on Mr Couch in one of Blacklight’s getting slightly seedy Skinny Puppy concert t-shirts reading Lovecraft and sometimes I’ve popped a cardigan over that concert t-shirt (cheaper than cranking up the heat), sipping hot tea and wishing Celia Rivenbark would materialize in my living room, jangling her car keys and so down with stopping at the Wallingford Sonic before hitting the Clinton Crossing Premium Outlets and cleaning the Lindt store out of every single Almond truffle in the place. Because Miss Celia? So my favorite Southern writer.

Now before you Sweet Potato Queens rise up as one saying “bless her ignorant lil Yankee heart” and trying to pour margaritas the size of an ocean liner down my throat to convert me, sit the bleep down your Majesties. I’ve read every single Sweet Potato Queens book, even The Sweet Potato Queens’ First Big-Ass Novel: Stuff We Didn’t Actually Do, but Could Have, and May Yet more than once. You’re a fun bunch, but dang, I find the whole Sweet Potato Queen thing a bit exhausting. All that bending and kneeling and kowtowing to your redheaded Amazon overlord…Celia Rivenbark  seems more approachable. And I think I could encounter Celia Rivenbark and not have my liver trying to make a break for it. In my head? I like to think Celia would be all “oh you don’t drink? The more for me!” and be glad someone could drive her home safely after a girls lunch out. My liver would be half way to Canada if I hung out with Jill Conner Browne for more than five minutes.

So I don’t need to go on and on about how quick I snapped up Celia Rivenbark’s latest book Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas? But can I show you the cut from the book itself? I swear the library used razor sharp diamond edges in cutting the hard plastic cover they heat sealed on the blasted book. And of course I devoured the Rude Bitches Made Me Tired as fast as possible, like a pig at a Old Country Buffet, once I staunched my wound. I am this close to making a custom “Rude Bitches Make Me Tired” sign in PowerPoint on break tomorrow and putting it right next to Blacklight’s Clan motto at my desk. Because there are things we all could do to be nice//better people and Celia Rivenbark points out that way in the funniest way possible. Instead of going all Miss Manners and clutching the pearls and using an epic story about the Trashys to explain why certain forms of PDA are just beyond gross, Our Lady Celia gives it to us straight. And if Blacklight and I had been parents, you so believe we would be the ones cranking the music and car dancing to get our teen to behave just like Celia.

And for you Sweet Potato Queens who are still convinced, blessed my savage lil Yankee heart, Gwen is a demon? Turn to the bottom of page 16 and read to page 17. I swear Celia Rivenbark is referring to the obituary your Supreme Sweet Potato Queen Jill Conner Browne placed when her Very Own Momma died. You know? The one her sister Judy Conner (author of Southern Fried Divorce which I have read thankyouverymuch) approved of? How would I have picked up that reference I hadn’t read the Sweet Potato Queens books? Still not forgiven, am I? <sighs>

Hopefully Celia Rivenbark is hard at work on her next book. If not, maybe she’d like to come up to New England and check out our outlet malls? I promised to drive and not be a rude road hog bitch on the way.

The Asylum

Considering on any given day I’m wandering around in a Lands’ End cardigan with a plain white t-shirt, black pants/black skirt/grey skirt (depending on the season), maybe a silk scarf and a strand of fake pearls from Macy’s  (what Blacklight calls my “librarian look” and my coworkers call “Manager Blank Jr”-I don’t have the money to for trends and splashy patterns and the like), it might come as a surprise I devour every single Simon Doonan book I can get my little undead raccoon hands on. And I mean everything from his memoir Nasty: My Family And Other Glamorous Varmints to Wacky Chicks: Life Lessons from Fearlessly Inappropriate and Fabulously Eccentric Women to even why does my local library even have this Confessions of a Window Dresser: Tales from the Life of Fashion. Finding The Asylum: A collage of couture reminiscences…and hysteria at the library and shoving it into my bag, looking around like someone was going to snatch it away from me? Perfect understandable right?

You would think between his books and Slate column, Simon Doonan might not have anything more to say or reveal about the fashion industry. But Simon Doonan has more stories than oddly flowered shirts (and the man has oceans of oddly flowered shirts) and The Asylum was read in one great big swoop once I got home from the library. If Blacklight hadn’t figured out he has opposable thumbs and not made himself an English muffin for breakfast and come into the bedroom to rouse me to make an egg sandwich? I would have been standing at the damn stove with The Asylum in one hand and assembling an egg sandwich with the other and wishing I had a free hand to flip him the bird for disturbing me. Reading a Simon Doonan book is almost as good as spa day (and a damn straight cheaper).

The Asylum isn’t the biggest book or the most scholarly (waves to Tim Gunn and his epic Tim Gunn’s Fashion Bible) and I certainly don’t find Kate Moss a goddess (ughh, Kate Moss, just ughhhh) but damn if Simon Doonan can’t write in a gossipy way that makes me forget the sight of Kate Moss makes my teeth start grinding madly. Note: if you were looking at the Rimmel display in Target and heard what sounded like Tic-Tacs getting chomped into dust? Sorry…but blame Target for having the NYX and E.L.F displays so close to the Rimmel display. Note 2: I don’t like Rimmel even if Kate Moss isn’t their spokesface, Team NYX/Team E.L.F. forever!

Now to finish this review, “The Asylum is awesome and if you like fashion buy it already, really don’t waste your money on Nina Garcia books because ughhhhhhhhhh”, and watch Beautiful People (the TV series based on Nasty)on YouTube before Blacklight lurches into the living room, a Vicodin zombie demanding his egg sandwich breakfast…

My Favorite Dickens

I know what you’re thinking..EWWWWWW…now THAT is horrid, disgusting and certifiable. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Correction…I know what you’re thinking about me having a blog post called “My Favorite Dickens” because anyone who spends anytime talking books with me discovers I loathe Charles Dickens so much and so very hard. Just the thought of the time and school hours wasted on reading Bleak House and Great Expectations is maddening. Not even Gillian Anderson can make Bleak House tolerable. However I have to be grateful for the fact that Charles Dickens, that overrated blowhard who makes my eyes roll back so far in my head I almost need a trip to the UConn Health Center ER, is a link in a chain that created one of my recently discovered favorite authors, Monica Dickens.

For those who want to play family tree. Here it goes. Am very sick of typing Charles Dickens. So very sick. Charles Dickens spawns Henry Fielding Dickens who spawns Henry Charles Dickens who spawns Monica Enid Dickens.

Now usually (see Tigers in Red Weather), I don’t like certain writers and their extended writing spawn. But when trolling the fiction section of Book Barn and the library book sales bag days, I don’t always think about the writer’s last name and just zero in on certain publishers, figuring “oh gee…they haven’t done me wrong so far.” And oddly enough both these publishers (Virago Classics and Persephone Books are British and on my I Want Every Thing They Publish lists…such another post entirely…) And into my shopping bag went Monica Dickens’ Mariana in the Persephone Books reprint edition with the main thought “If I don’t like I can always try and sell it to Book Barn”.

And how very glad I am that my brain focused on “OMG Persephone Books” and “what a lovely cover” and didn’t process that an British writer named Dickens could be related to <shudders> HIM…because I would have missed out on a wonderful author. Like Stella Gibbons and Angela Thirkell, opening a Monica Dickens books, fiction or one of her memoirs, is like stepping through a door into the past. Only you don’t have to be of a certain class because even the best Stella Gibbons and Angela Thrikell isn’t that fond of the lower orders. It doesn’t matter if you’re curled up on Mr Couch rocking a tattered Marvel t-shirt or sprawled on Mr Bed, fighting a hacking cough and wishing you had sprung for a Miskatonic University sweatshirt because it’s gotten freezing and the layers of Mr Blankie and Mr Cardigan aren’t enough, you’re “Monty” putting on a battered looking hat, taking the bus to the employment agency to try out a career as a cook even though you can barely make scrambled eggs let alone a feast for 12 after being an epic failure at theater school. You’re the slightly older and maybe not wiser “Monty”, confused as to how to make a nurses cap out of a round of linen and scraping wax off hospital bed wheels while trying to survive as a nurse in training during World War II. Or you’re the older “Monty”, an established and beloved wife and mother, looking back on her life and career through the years.

And then you’re yourself again, coughing and hacking, lurching into the living room for your computer to see if the local libraries have any and I mean ANY more Monica Dickens books in their systems for an interlibrary loan. You will even accept one of her children’s horse books which in your head are akin to Noel Streatfeild’s Shoe books. You must have more Monica. And then when you’ve tracked down those few titles, ecstatic that they are available, wanting them that second and vowing to scour the library sales and your favorite used bookstores for more titles while filling an Amazon Wish List that you know no one will ever check because your family just doesn’t function that way, you pick up the book you just ended and start again from page one.