Some days you just want to curl up on Mr Couch with a lovely cup of hot tea, a cinnamon scone and a book that features bracing walks with the dogs after Sunday lunch with the vicar before evening services.

Other days you want to smear kohl around your eyes, slam back a drink and shake your money maker to some Al Green while having wild, mindblowing S-E-X with a lean hipped bad boy with killer green eyes.

Enter Jackie Collins’ 1986 masterpiece Hollywood Husbands. It’s 1985. Everyone is snorting back a line of coke or sipping champagne. Shoulder pads are huge, the hair even huger. All the classic Collins elements are here.

Smoking hot feline sexy young heroine? Top model Jade Johnson (big twist! she doesn’t have wild black gyspy curling hair that falls to her waist. Our Jade is a copper top who gets down to Bruce Springsteen versus Al Green! I know! Shocker right?).

Old Hollywood legend? Movie star turned prime time soap star Silver Anderson. A little big real life sister Joan, a little Shirley Mclaine, a little Liz Taylor. All awesome from the top of her amazing wigs to her Gucci clad toes.

Forty-something Hollywood big stud actor? Mannon Cable. The looks of Robert Redford, the 1970s Burt Reynolds sex appeal and a hot actress ex-wife Whitney Valentine Cable. Total sexonnastick if you’re into the whole handsome blond guy thing.

Character with abusive past whose identity in revealed in the last 10 pages? Check…this time our damaged individual is a young woman who resolves all her problems with a big can of gasoline and a match…

Struggling talent on the rise? Tie between Silver Anderson’s neglected daughter teenager Heaven who inherited her mother’s vocal talents and scrabbling on the edges of the dark side of life turned trophy husband Wes Money (lanky Brit with the sexy green eyes and lean hips, ROWRRRRRR).

Big event where everything goes tits up? New Year’s Eve party on a yacht. Add one damaged individual and some matches. Can you say KABOOM? Can you say wrap up the storylines. It’s all Grand Hotel up in this thing. Wait you probably don’t know what Grand Hotel is. Google is your friend.

Hollywood Husbands doesn’t pretend to be great literature. It’s the chance to turn off your brain or at least put it on KEEP WARM and pat yourself on the back when you guess a plot point or figured out Silver Anderson=Joan Collins or Mannon Cable=Lee Majors. 

People get laid, wear awesome clothes, live in mansions, drive Rolls Royce and consider a $6000 dress a little nothing from the closet. It’s eating frosting from the can, rich and decadent, awful for your teeth but a whole lot of fun doing it before you pass out from too much sugar.

Will Mannon Cable leave his rebound wife? Will Jade and Jack realize they are in tru wub? Will Heaven find out who her dad is? Is our damaged individual Whitney, Melanie-Shanna, Poppy or Clarissa? The answers are there, just delve into the Giorgio scented depths.