***This was originally posted on the Confessions blog***

Ready for the last three books in the series? Here go!

Wait for the Wagon (1951):  At the end of One on the House, the Arkies had just gotten a sweet electric blue 1926 Cadillac limo and were headed back to San Diego. Well, Wait for the Wagon or as I’ve dubbed it Crap on a Stick, the Arkies have themselves a cross country adventure. Maybe if I had been knocking back the cold frosty ones in hops vs diet ginger ale form I would have been laughing versus checking the number of pages left. The Arkies meet a nice trucker called Dave who tells them about a nice resort to spend the night. But if it’s truly a nice place then there is no plot right? The Arkies encounter the stripper Uremia de Brie and her “doctor” friend Freemartin and lug them to California. Oh and “Doctor” Freemartin is smuggling drugs or some such nonsense. The pages are way too frosted pop tart apart. The George Price drawings of Freemartin scare me more than Celine Dion or Justin Bieber. Can you tell I HATE THIS BOOK WITH THE PASSION OF A THOUSAND BURNING NUNS?

Tooner Schooner (1953): The Arkies are back in San Diego. Only they’re living in a tiny trailer because the junkyard caught fire at the end of CRAP ON A STICK…I mean Wait for the Wagon. But the ladies encounter a rugged charter boat captain who likes to be called Tooner Schooner (yeah…okay). They become fast friends and offer to help with his charters since his crew is a bunch of drunkalunkas. Mrs. Rassmussen falls in lurve with Tooner Schooner (god I feel my brain getting stupid just typing that name) but old T.S. (because I refuse to type that stupid name again) has a New Age bish wife called Chartreuse (no I am not making this up! read the damn book!) who doesn’t love him but doesn’t want a divorce. Meanwhile the guys of the Four Freedoms (the eating club from High Time) return. They just can’t stay away from the Arkies! They also have seven old buses which get turned into trailers. Housing problem solved. Now you know the Arkies always have some poor soul they rescue (Miss Tinkham, Darleen, Timmy) and the poor sould this time is the virgin island princess Sunshine (again I am NOT MAKING THIS UP! READ THE DAMN BOOK!) who does native dances all topless. Mrs. Rassmussen’s cooking can’t compete with tight young hotness and ole T.S. is panting for Sunshine. But remember ole T.S. is married! Well, until hijinks ensue then Chartreuse gets hers and T.S gets his island hottie.

Let’s Go for Broke (1962): The cost of living has gone up to over $4 a case (and here I am bishing that Scooter’s “cost of living” is $15 a 12 pack, hey the boy likes his Sam Adams!)! Oh, and blahblahblah, too expensive to live in the city, taxes is going up and up. The Arkies decide to live off the land. So they find a “Charles Addams house” (yes, the book actually says that) in the country and settle in with about 2 pennies to their name. While at the grocery store getting supplies the Arkies encounter their poor soul of the book, a fifty-something Mexican lady stealing flower seeds. Naturally the Arkies take in the poor soul, N. Carnation (Encarnacion). Using their wits and Miss Tinkham’s silver tongue the Arkies start an antique rental business, discover N. Carnation is the queen of artificial flowers and oh prove N. Carnation isn’t an illegal alien but the widow of an American solidar and get her pension.

Have you ever seen the brilliant show Blackadder? There’s always a Blackadder and a Baldrick. Well, in the Ark/Suds series there is always beer, a poor soul in need of rescue, living by your wits and two pennies,  and even more beer. The first two books zip along. Stick with those. Avoid Wait for the Wagon at all costs. That last piece of advice? The most important thing in this post.

Next…a single book! But give me some time to recover, okay?