***This was originally posted on the Confessions blog***
A Bright Star Falls (1959): For some reason this title sounds ominous. Beany is now head of the school newspaper but the principal wants to it appeal to everyone not just the popular crowd. So Beany starts a Eve Baxter/Dear Abby/Ann Landers column. Remember Beany’s friend Dulcie? Well, she explains why she loves wearing flashy clothes (she grew up POOR WHITE TRASH!) and gets the brilliant idea of a clothes swap for the girls of their high school. So Dulcie, Miggs and Rosellen start cleaning out their closets. But Beany can’t figured out why her boyfriend Andy’s little sister Rosellen is giving away all her pretty things. While Beany is trying to solve the mystery (umm….let’s see Rosellen is sweet, kind, crippled, totally Beth in Little Women…) Poor Miggs is dealing with her own problems. Oh her family still has money but Johnny Malone dumped her for one of Dulcie’s coworked at the Ragged Robin Drive-in, a certain Miss Garnet Storm. Let’s see Garnet has flashy blond hair all Veronica Lake, wears too much makeup….ZOMG TOTAL WHORE! But Johnny is either getting some or beyond dumb because he thinks Beany and friends are just being big ole meanies to poor Garnet. (Blacklight says “HE’S GETTING SOME” Me: “Johnny is a total VIRGIN”). Rosellen dies before her brother Andy comes home from the Marines on leave. (I told you she was all Beth in Little Women). Beany tries to keep Andy from running away but epic fail. The clothes sale is amazing. Beany learns that Rosellen is even more of a saint than she thought she was. Andy is back with the Marines, Garnet is revealed as two-timing whore child and everything is well in the Malone-verse.
This is the book I went “you know what? Damnnnnn” and “hey Blacklight so the whore bish Garnet is…” But I soldiered on through these books…I did it FOR YOU!
Welcome Stranger (1960): library didn’t have this one so I have made up my own plot. Mary Fred meets a hawt cowboy at the stables and becomes a buckle bunny.
Pick a New Dream (1961): the last one the library didn’t have. So here’s my plot. Andy finds true love with his commanding officer. Beany eats enough pineapple nut sundaes that even Dulcie’s best efforts with needle and thread can’t hide. Actually this might be thone where Andy leaves the Marines and becomes a priest. No, for reals, Andy BECOMES A PRIEST. Beany is never going to get laid.
Tarry Awhile (1962): Beany is a dried up OLD MAID! AT TWENTY! CLUTCH THEM PEARLS, CLUTCH ‘EM CHILD! Okay if Beany is an old maid at twenty then WHAT THE FROSTED POPTART WAS I GETTING MARRIED AT 32? ANCIENT? MUMMIFIED? (Blacklight’s comment “well for your family you WERE ANCIENT” Okay, he might have a point because I have cousins a few years older than me with GRANDCHILDREN but still…) Beany is also depressed even though every time Miggs moves away, Kay comes back and vice versa. Miggs is gone so, enter Kay. But Kay is MARRIED to some big hot jock called Joe. And she’s getting that PhT while Joe is going to school (Blacklight: “what’s a PhT?” Me: “Putting Hubby Through”). Also Dulcie is getting married and turning into a Bridezilla! But damn Beany you’re dating Carlton the boy next door and you’re going to college and you’re working at a community center among the poor folks. You’re freaking EIGHTEEN! YOU DO NOT NEED A HUSBAND RIGHT NOW! But Beany still thinks she’s a loser and tries to get Carlton to marry her. (Hint to Beany: put out, get preggers and get hitched). Kay turns up preggers and is such a delicate flower that she can’t work. Joe drops out of school. Beany and Carlton decide to wait to get married until Carlton finishes school.
After reading this part of me wants to drive over to the F-ton library and snatch up that classic Mr. And Mrs. Bo Jo Jones….maybe I’ll blog about that one!
Something Borrowed, Something Blue (1963): It’s so hard to be Beany! Sure she’s marrying Carlton once he has that BA but our Miss Beany is sick of being the Good Girl. She wants the fancy-dan wedding like her coworker Jennifer had. But the Malone’s roof needs to be fixed ASAP! Who cares that everyone around her has been preparing for her big day? Enter evil Nonna like the White Queen offering Beany a big ole Bridezilla wedding. Who cares if her friends can’t afford their bridesmaid dresses? Or the guys their tuxes? Beany must be splashing whiskey in her pop because she takes up Nonna’s offer. And while Nonna plots from her web, Johnny and Miggs up and get theyselves all MARRIED in three seconds. Mary Fred sells her beloved horse to SATAN to get money to doll up and get her man the hunky Anders from the first book back. EPIC FAIL. But since this IS a Beany Malone book, Mary Fred gets her horse and man back, Beany has a lovely wedding near her community center and Nonna gets her comeuppance.
And this book gets thrown across the bed and lands on the floor! Selection of comments I made to Blacklight: “So they have to wait until CARLTON GRADUATES? What about Beany?” “Evil Nonna’s back! RUNNNNN!” “Mary Fred you are one DUMB BISH”
Come Back, Wherever You Are (1969): Beany and Carlton and their two special snowflakes Mister and Mary Liz live in Leavittville. Beany is a happy housewife. Mary Fred is all “ZOMG I AM A FREAK BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWO YEARS WITHOUT ALL THE BABIES”. And since Miggs and Johnny are in Dallas, enter Kay. Well, Kay isn’t going anywhere because she is in the hospital. And Kay’s little boy Jodey needs SuperNanny now! But before Nanny Jo can cross the Atlantic, Kay dies of leukemia. And her rival Yvonne starts to get her claws in the grieving Joe. But worry not, Yvonne is revealed as the person who abused poor Jodey as a toddler. Joe and Jodey find a home in Denver. Beany and Carlton stop fighting and Mary Fred decides to help her husband Anders achieve his dream of working with damaged children.
Can you say Lifetime Original Movie? Oh and Beany must have gotten preggers on her wedding night! Poor trapped Beany…
The Beany Malone Cookbook (1972): not a Beany Malone novel. But there are little tidbits along with recipes galore. None off which I intend to make in a million billion years because I have FORGOTTEN HOW TO COOK!
Survived this epic post and want to read the books for yourself? Well you are in luck even if your library can’t get them for you. Because the good folks at Image Cascade Publishing have reissued the entire series. Check them out at http://www.imagecascade.com/beany-malone-series-by-lenora-mattingly-weber.html
Stay tuned because the next FROM THE LIBRARY STACKS is going to be a hoot!
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