Steve Alten

Whenever I read Marian Keyes SUSHI FOR BEGINNERS, I always envy the Colleen staffers when swag flutters into their office. Imagine having a boss ballsy enough to tear into a crate of champagne meant for a readers giveaway. The only time I ever had anything like that happen to me was once upon a time when I was a very young Gwendy working at MASSIVE BOOK STORE. Only the box didn’t have lovely champers or even a year’s supply of Rembrandt toothpaste…

A few weeks earlier an advanced reader copy of a new novel was in the back room for anyone to read. And even though it was a shiny, thick thing instead of the usual very plain advanced reader copies the publishers usually sent barely anyone read it. I was one of the few brave souls who actually made it to the end.

My verdict? How long before we would be putting 50% off stickers on this thing because obviously the publishers were hoping the author was the next Michael Critchton. I mean come on? “Jurassic Shark” in big letters on the back? That’s pretty much the only thing the booksellers read before laughing themselves silly and sticking the advanced reader copy back on the shelf.

So the box with it’s win free stuff was a no go. The book was awful. And just where we suppose to stick the display in our tiny store? Into the trash the entry forms went. And the water bottle, beach ball, towel and the like were dived up among the managers. Trust me, this wasn’t exactly a feeding frenzy. It was more, “B you like the gym” <store manager tosses water bottle to B> and “Gwendy you go to Block Island with your parents” <hands over beach towel>

And when the book finally came out? Oh my. Despite the publisher hype, it didn’t sell well at all. <cut to Gwendy at the information desk with the roll of 50% stickers on her wrist like a bracelet> Remember this is an author who got $2.1 million/2 book deal. Watch out Peter Benchley and Michael Critchton there’s a new boss in town. <cut to Gwendy on her couch 0ver 10 years later laughing and getting peanut butter toast crumbs EVERYWHERE!> And then there was the breach of contract lawsuit when the publisher decided not to release the sequel. Poor baby…<insert eye roll on behalf of awesome writers who deserve book deals>

But don’t weep for Steve Alten yet. Because ten plus years later I’m still using the MEG beach towel (complete with hair dye stains) while getting weird looks from people at the beach/Y pool/laundry room and he’s cranking out best selling books. Sighhhhh…